Martians landed in Minneapolis in September to study the religious beliefs and rituals of Minneapolitans. The full transcript of their report is published here by Turtleleaks.

“The Minneapolitans are polytheistic. They have  two main gods they call TCF, and US bank.   They build massive cathedrals to their gods. It seems that US bank is the dominant god, based on the size of the worship center they are currently building.

There is no separation of church and state in Minneapolis. The people pay a tax to build these cathedrals and provide tax relief to those who create small worship centers around them they call ‘sports bars.’

Our expedition was fortuitously well-timed to coincide with the beginning of holiest months of the year, when their sado-masochistic rituals of devotion are at their height. People come to the cathedrals to cheer and yell, sing and wear identical colors and watch their fellow male humans damage their brains.

Human sacrifice is slow and painful and begins early. The Parents groom their male children for the ‘privilege of being sacrificed. The young sacrificees are taught open-air worship centers. Only a tiny percent ‘succeed’ to be sacrificed at the giant cathedral in front of an audience of thousands. This elite are treated like royalty even as their brains are slowly smashed and bodies maimed. Those who don’t make it to the cathedral may also find their brains damaged, without the compensation of temporary idolatry and offerings.”

The Martian report had an addendum:

“Like us, the Minneapolitans come in different colors. Unlike us, the color of a person’s skin has been assigned meanings which we have yet to understand. As we tried to blend in and not be noticed, our various skin colors and hair textures, elicited different reactions. For this reason we suggest another visit.”

Turtleleaks will disclose the full report of the second expedition tomorrow.

Special thanks to the Metro blue line for providing great views of US Bank stadium project, inspiring today’s entry, and to students in my Metropolitan State University Race and Public Policy class who conducted the experiment that is the subject of tomorrow’s.


Leave a Reply